Gentlemen, there's a chance this will work.
Actually, sir, there's no chance this will work.
Fool. That will never work!
It doesn't matter, 'cause I'm not cleaning up this hallway.
But it's all your bullcrap here...
all them Battlestar Earthblaster drink cups.
Don't you touch those. They're in mint condition...
and they're gonna stay that way.
I'll touch them all the way to the trashcan.
You touch those, and your GI Joes are gonna be MIA, my friend.
And then who's gonna call little Mama Joe...
and tell her that her boy ain't coming home...
because somebody was asleep on guard duty.
What's this? A treasure map.
- Treasure? - Can I hold it, please?
- There's treasure under all these X's? - Yeah, obviously.
Amazing. These are the same exact spots...
where you wanted me to plant those disgusting azalea bushes.
Are you serious? I guess you better go.
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna be outside...
- with the shovel, sucker. - No, you don't, that bullion is mine!
Look, don't dig any further than 12 to 14 inches.
Shut up. You don't know.
You just stay here and guard my Battlefield Earth cups.
Especially Turtle.
- Look at him. He's dumb as hell. - He sure is.
I'm dumb, too. You knew that, though, yeah?
Because I did send out a press release.
I ate a bunch of them. I'm dumb.
No. Milkshake!
I know. The stupid pirates must have buried a gas line down there.
I told you, 14 inches.
You tell me a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I have to listen...
Shake, are you all right down there?
Get me out of here right now. I'm gonna die, there's monsters.
Calm down.
Dracula's grabbing my leg. It's a zombie. I feel it.
There's no monsters down there, okay?
- You just hit a sinkhole or something. - Okay.
- Stay right there. I'll get a flashlight. - I got it.
Holy crap in a pita. Monsters!
Taste.
Who said that? You're all dead. Nobody can talk if they're dead.
Come to me and taste the future.
Taste what? Hey, free sandwich.
- But beware. - But you just told me...
Look, I'm 1,000 years old, I know what I said.
- Beware. - Yeah, you beware. I'm eating this.
- Where the hell is this? - You'll know, in time.
The question is, will I care? Probably not.
- Shake? - Just leave him. He's... Wait a minute.
I smell me some mighty good chow.
- Oh, my God. Shake? - Oh, my God, Frylock, what?
Why's everything got to be a federal case with you?
- Yeah, you heard what I said. I said it. - Where did all these skulls come from?
They're guarding this sandwich. Now let's go.
Oh, my God. That is no ordinary sandwich.
Oh, my God. Do you ever have anything good to say?
- It's a free sandwich. - It's not a sandwich at all, Shake.
It's the Broodwich.
- The blue witch? - No, the Broodwich, Meatwad.
- Wait. Say what? - Broodwich!
- The Blair Witch is here? - No, Meatwad. The Broodwich.
I'll tell you what it is. It's shut up and let me eat it.
I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich...
in the Bible.
- No, you probably saw a piece in Vogue. - I doubt it. I don't read that.
Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.
Okay, yes. It was Vogue.
- You read all this in Vogue? - Our PR department is awesome.
That's a girl magazine. I hope you were at the dentist's, Frylock.
It just comes to the house, I...
Of course it comes. When you order it, you big, fat lady.
Someone down there is a girl.
Everyone just shut up about the Vogue thing!
I'll plant these bushes now.
Listen, according to the Vogue piece, the Broodwich is immortal.
It cannot be killed or taken apart...
but as long as you don't ingest it, you'll be okay.
Don't talk while my mouth is full.
How's it going?
Are you the guy that keeps telling me to beware?
Because I'll tell you where to be.
- Out of my sight. - Beware.
What do you got? A sound guy or...
That's a good trick.
I'm just gonna go now. Oh, my God.
Get away from me! Leave me!
I'm cool. Yeah, we're all cool here.
- I told you, beware. - Who are you? What is this?
It is the Broodwich...
forged in darkness from wheat harvested in hell's half acre...
baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise...
beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces into sauce...
by the hands of a one-eyed madman...
cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow...
layered with 666 separate meats from an animal...
which has maggots for blood.
- See? Told you. - I tasted mustard.
Yeah, Dijon mustard.
- Well, how come no bacon? - Bacon is extra.
You call this a sandwich? You don't have bacon on it!
There are no swine evil enough to sacrifice upon a bed of evil.
And lettuce.
Bed of evil and lettuce.
I will say this. Bacon aside...
this is the best damn sandwich I've ever had in my life.
Eat all of it, and you will suffer the wrath.
I mean, I don't have to eat the whole thing. I could save a quarter.
I suppose you could.
'Cause the thing is, I don't like crust on the bread.
A lot of people do, but not me.
I usually cut it off right at the beginning, especially if it's hard.
The hard crust hurts the roof of my mouth.
You're boring me now.
Say, since he's the chosen one and we're not...
could we sort of cover this back up and plant some azaleas here?
Sure.
- Okay. Come on, Shake. You're gonna die. - Let go.
Who are y'all talking to down there?
It's a sandwich. Two pieces of bread and some meat.
And it doesn't even have bacon on it.
I don't need it, I got it licked.
And I would like to lick that sandwich.
Just a little flavor, a little taste in my mouth.
- What's going on? - Shake, get rid of the damn sandwich.
If you keep it here, you're gonna eat it and die.
No, I won't. I don't need a stupid sandwich.
I don't need the sandwich. I need this ladder. Excuse me, please.
I need this sandwich right now. I won't eat the whole thing...
See? Oh, God!
- Okay, look, this is irritating. - It's the Broodwich. You're chosen.
I haven't paid taxes in six years. I'm not getting busted by a sandwich.
Then you must find another, with an appetite for insanity.
Hey, you're dumb. Eat this.
I heard what that voice said. I ain't eating jack.
You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?
It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares...
clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.
Come on, the guy's just jealous. Go on. Woof it down, dog.
- I don't know. Is the mayonnaise fat-free? - You're a dog.
'Cause it's not the calories that get you, it's the saturated fats.
- Woof it, you mutt. - Meatwad, no.
Did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it.
How did you like Mr. Sticks? He was a real treat, wasn't he?
Yeah, Jerry said you guys had a little run-in...
but he's a decent guy once you get to know him.
Bullcrap. I know that guy was all over you with his ax.
No, that don't sound like Jerry.
The Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas...
which is a strip club. Merry Triple-Xmas. You see what I'm saying?
Give me that sandwich!
- So you saying it was fun? - No. That son of a bitch had an ax.
She's like, "Move your skulls to the basement...
"because I got these drapes".
- I didn't get that. I'm like, "This is work". - Are you serious?
I can't put them in the basement, I mean, and she's like, you know...
"Can you put a tarp over them also?"
And I just felt like, no, I'm not... damn it.
I got one at home just like it, man.
- And I got a kid now, and so... - That's a whole other set of bull... I'm sure.
So Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection.
She wants me to move them 'cause she thinks it's not hygienic.
I don't understand how there's lack of appreciation...
for that backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in.
- It looks cool. - You've seen that?
Why move it? That's the point of putting it next to the window.
I'm sure you've explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn't get that.
- I can't even argue with her. - It's ridiculous.
If I want to move it...
- Isn't that that guy? - What's with the toilet seat, right?
- What the... - Jerry, no. We're cool.
- We're cool, Jerry. - Shake, where's the rest of the sandwich?
I guess I ate it. And I'm still here?
- Victory is mine. - But what about the sun-dried tomatoes?
Yeah, I picked them off because they're disgusting.
The Broodwich cannot be taken apart or disassembled.
Obviously it can, because that's what I did.
- You better put them right back. - Put them back where?
I ate the sandwich. It's gone.
Look. They're good.
Yeah, you keep telling me that. They're not.
How about you?
- No, thanks. - No, thank you, I'm full.
Fine, don't eat it!
- Is he gone? - I don't know, he's a voice.
- Where is he? Is he in them raisins? - I don't know!
I'm out of here. Worst day of my life.
Congratulations. You passed the test.
You fended off the last temptation of the Broodwich.
Really? What do I win?
Hell, no, I'm not marrying this bag of bones.
- Seriously? - Yes, seriously.
All right. Congratulations.
I know that I said the last one was it...
but that was the last temptation of the Broodwich.
- You passed again. You're something else. - Yes, I am. What do I win now?
- Free brain surgery. - That's what I'm talking about, baby!
- Hey, wait a minute. - Now eat them.